If I Can Talk, I Can Write

samedi, mai 31, 2003

I just came back from Barnes and Nobles with David. I had to look for books that I may research my material for KBB's oral presentation due soon. I don't have anymore books except for the one I have hidden in a small box in the Duarte bibliotheque. I wonder where everybody went. I wonder if they went on an official BFC trip to the beach or something because everybody is missing. The only person online right now is Andréa and Sameea. I don't really talk to them all that much anymore. They are chouette people though and I should try to converse with them more often but I am sometimes super afraid to, out of fear. There really is only one person I can really chat with now a days. She is like, one of my bestest ever friends now. I don't to talk to anybody as much as I do her. I talk to a certain friend of mine a lot but still not as much as with her- with whom I can talk online, par telephone, or in person. With my other bestest friends, i talk to them usually only in person. With her, I never seem to run out of things to say... there's always something interesting to ponder and bring up. My mind feels free and it can run wild. Sometimes it can run wild with other people too but there is always some sort of boundary I can't cross with the others. With her, almost every topic in mind seems to go uncovered and yeah, it just got me to thinking what it means to be an intimate friend. I don't always agree with her but we think alike and that seems to be the common bond. With guy1, our humour and like-thoughts serve as the common bonds. There is another guy who i just don't talk to but i consider to be a buddy... not so much an intimate friend but a buddy... and he's cool and all but I still can't let my mind run free when i talk to him... That is really a great quality i look for in people to surround myself with- people who let me be me and let my mind run free and who run free themselves. I want to feel comfortable with people. I don't necessarily want them to understand all that I am saying... just respect that i am saying it... and I get that respect fully from few people. It's one of the defining qualities that i look for in all my social relationships. OOdles of Thanks go to my intimate friends- thank you! 11:51:00 PM

mercredi, mai 28, 2003

Stencil. When I was younger, stenciling was one of my favorite things to do. I could never really draw so I used stencils and coloured them in with cool shapes and colours. Then again, I didn't use the word, "cool" back then... I used "wow-ee" or I would express myself in Tagalog by saying, "gusto ko!". Tagalog is a fun language and I understand it when spoken, I just have trouble speaking it... sometimes because I don't know the words, other times because i am too embarassed. Do I turn red when I'm embarassed? It's kindof scary and yucky when you think about it that blood rushes to your facial veins when you blush. Anytime, your face could explode into a pile of oversized, blood-filled veins. Well supper calls, this is a really short free-write so i'll type later maybe about the drama between my friends carlos and puja and my observations of a girl named sonya and another girl named ambre. see ya! 8:38:00 PM

lundi, mai 12, 2003

Sometimes you just feel like you freaking wanna burst out crying and laughing, and yelling, and screaming at the same time but for some reason, something like sanity prevents you from doing that. No, I am insane. I am serious. i honstly believe that I am growing less and less sane each time i feel that i can't tell anyone what I'm feeling. I am totally feeling an intense indignation and I want to tell somebody about what it is that kills me and pains me so but I cannot. And each time I try, my efforts go careening down, headed for complete tragic fatality. I dont' want to crawl under a rock and die. i want to jump off the eiffel tower with a boulder tied to my feet and my pocket stuffed with knives. I want to play opera and leap from a moving vehicle. Today, i entertained myself with ideas of jumping out of Sonya's car while ont he freeway. I had unlocked my door and was thinking how I would survive the fall but I chickened out and I locked the door again. It was totally crazy. I had been talking to myself all day today and arguing what my next move would be next. My one self said yes, my other said no, and the other one was just plain indecisive. No I would never kill myself, but I would probably die trying. 11:41:00 PM

dimanche, mai 11, 2003

Word to begin freewrite with: Game.
I would like to play a game with my friends but what shall I play? It's an age-old question, or rather, a minute-old one that requires full attention to its importance. Bah, it's importance is shrouded in mystery because it has no seeming importance except in the minds of mediocre idiots who babble on about rien. Nothing is really a something. How can you have nothing if there is always something? How can you have something in nothingness? A paradox. Like the Einstein commercial, there is a paradox at work. A paradox for good-for-nothing gum chewers and coffee-drinkers. That reminds me, no gum or coffee for Sonya. It makes her a very dangerous person to deal with. She gets some sort of absent nicotine in the gum and a caffiene charge from the caramel in the coffee. Caramel in coffee is good. I love caramel in general. I would like to make caramel apples now. Just make the caramel, and dip the apples. When i dip, you dip, we dip. Fatima and Sonya like caramel and so does Amber but nobody as much as I do. Who else likes caramel? David likes caramel too. Goodness, I remember in elementary school when they used to sell caramel outside by the lunch tables and we would buy them for fifty cents and fifty cents back then was a lot of money for children our age. I used to get 1 dollar a week until 6th grade when i recieved a four dollar raise. Now I get a good twelve dollars a week or so. Sometimes, i get nothing, but that isn't the point. Actually, there is no point. What's the point to life? Dot Dot Dot. There are three points to life: Live, Live, Die. That's it. You figure it out because I don't want to. That came from my subconscious. It also came from my mind. That's it. I AM FINISHED! 6:26:00 PM

mercredi, mai 07, 2003

Well I was chatting with Sonya but apparently, she's in the middle of the Gilmore Girls so i've decided to take this opportunity to freetype. I'm eating white bread. White bread is especially good when you mush it flat and bite the chewy bread. I feel lik eating raw cookie dough. That's really good. People say it gives worms but I don't know. Whatever. It's raining outside so there are probably zillions of earthworms outside. They don't like the rain. That's one of their enemies. I need some earthworms for my garden. Is RJ online? He almost certainly is not. I don't talk to RJ online. Sometimes it is because I can't seem to get myself to really talk to him at all. It's not that I don't like him. Actually, he's cool. I used to hang out with him throughout fifth grade. Now we just seem to be like two different people. People probably can't picture me with RJ. Who else am I a strange combination with? Let me talk about my relationship with oh, let's say, Ingrid. I think Ingrid is irritated with me or something. We used to talk and she used to be different. But now, for some reason, I noticed that she isn't the same person. Ingrid used to have this thing about her- a sortof ambience that just mellowed out smoothness. But now she seems to be tense or something. Then again, maybe only around me. I remember she got mad at me twice for reasons that I still don't know. Like one time last year, she came up to me and accused me of something that I didn't know about. Even to this day, I have no idea what it was all about. All i remember is that we didn't talk for the next 3 months. All of a sudden, things went back to normal. I think Ingrid is a cool person, I really do. I just don't understand her change. She's like a tautline that has been pulled too tightly. Anyway, who else can I talk about? Janelle is somebody that I have never really associated with before. I remember her from 8th grade as the girl that every guy had a crush on but I didn't really feel the same way because I didn't know her. Plus, at the time, i had a crush on Ingrid for a while but that's a different story. Janelle used to say hi to me in PE class and I had no idea how she knew my name. She used to give off this super-smart, sanguine feel. Now, Janelle strikes me as still a smart, yet mellow, and laid back person. She seems to have changed too since middle school. I have memories of times when she and Andrea played jokes on me with my telephone. Sheesh. Hmmm... fun times. 11:33:00 PM

mardi, mai 06, 2003

Michelle is a bell. According to this song. Haha, I am not stupid. I know she's his belle. It's French. Don't even get me started on French right now. I'm not in the mood to speak that forsaken language. My goodness, I failed.. well you don't want to hear any of that. I am sick of repeating the fact that I didn't do too well on the test- a fact that I just repeated didn't I? Oh well. I'm listening to the Beatles song. i used to listen to the Beatles a lot. They are marvelous singers. Sameea is online and I just have to visit her subprofile. I have this goal to visit people's subprofiles the most times I possibly can. While I'm there, I catch myself reading the contents over and over again. I don't know why. Lisa is online. I used to like Lisa... yes in that way. But that was a long time ago and it was a long infatuation too. She's nice. Now I know some people who do like Lisa in that wink wink way though. Sonya is online. in fact, I am chatting with her. I read her other blog and I noted an interesting freewrite post. She's an interesting person. So is Yesenia.... in fact, just about everyone is interesting. Goodness, if Andréa were to hear me say that, she would go halfway out of her wits. I don't talk to her anymore mostly because we are just seemingly totally different and I never know what to talk to her about. If anyone ever gets mad with what I type, oh well. They shouldn't be reading it. There. My mind has just come to a blank signaling the ending of this post. 10:22:00 PM

lundi, mai 05, 2003

Iced tea is good. You know who has good iced tea? The Macaroni Grill has it in different flavors. But then again, they probably just pour a bottle of Snapple into the cup. I'm drinking a peach flavored iced tea. It's really good. "Real Brewed", it says on the label. They say it's full of good stuff but I bet that when i check on the label, it really isn't. Some things are good even when they aren't. Life's like that sometimes, you know. You can't say if it'll be good or not... but it turns out the way it really is supposed to taste. I wanna taste soo many different types of foods like escargot and such. I don't know about large maggoty grubs but there is certain stuff I would so like to try. I wonder what makes a snail so slimy. Does a snail poop? If so, what does its poop look like? What happens if you cut snail's antenna things off. That seems super morbid. Kindof sad too. I do get morbid sometimes. Sometimes. Quelquefois. I need to study for my AP French test tomorrow. I don't know how it works. There's a recording device involved? What if my tape turns out to be defective? What the hell am i thinking? Thoughts are strange now aren't they. Strange like ducks. I saw a lot of ducks at UC Davis. They were not quacking. They just cleaned themselves soo much. Clean freak ducks. Like me! Je suis le canarde bizarre. Le canard net. I want to jump off a platform and land in one of those circus nets. It looks so fun and comfy. I am afraid of heights though. But I want to go skydiving and bungee jumping. How does that bungee cord stretch? Could a cord be stretched so far that it snaps? How much weight can a regular bungee cord hold? there's a duck wearing a UCD shirt. Cute. It has it's hands raised like it wants a hug. I want to hug it but people will freking look at me weird when they see me hugging a little stuffed ducky. Damn, i'm out of iced tea. 6:31:00 PM

samedi, mai 03, 2003

I need to post where not many people will see. I never knew I would ever be attracted to her or someone like her but for some reason, my mind sees her everywhere and i don't know what to think except why? It's like, love works too weirdly. i don't know what to do because its not something i wanted. i really didn't. i just wanted a friend... a very good friend but it just didn't work that way for me. wait a minute, if anyone i know reads this, i'm gonna clarify that it's not who you may think. she's not my sister. But the girl that i fell for, and i want to to stand back up. i don't like it. i just don't. it's sooo painful and such. reminds me too much of stuff. i'm just waiting till college. Unitl college. until college. oh my goshhhhhhhhhhhh i am just infatuated anyway. yeah, that's it. just infatuated for a short time. otherwise it wouldn't be this intense. hmm yep. hehe whew! 4:13:00 PM

music is meant to be shared, that's what i believe. I can't listen to music alone. i never use those portable cd players with headphones or any earphones for music for that matter. it feels weird to me. it feels like i'm the only one listening to stuff and nobody else can hear beauty. it's like selfish maybe? but not. I don't force anyone to listen to the music they don't want to because if they did, the beauty of the music would just be ugly to them. I just want to be with people who can appreciate what it is i appreciate. and sonya, thank goodness, does appreciate. Fatima too, loves the music. I want to be with them right now. Classical, opera, and jazz is what i mean. sooo relaxing, sometimes enthralling, thrilling, and scary. i need want coffee. i wanna go out. the sky is beautiful. i wanted to go to Lisa's party but i guess i overslept. I'm sorry lisa. i think they went bowling now instead because sonya e-mailed me and said something about an alley and i remember that lisa wanted to go bowling since like, before Spring break. i better wrap her present now. i got it sooo quickly because i didn't have time but i hope she still likes it. i cant wait until maybe college. that'd be fun aye? i need to study. i have sooo many ap tests to worry about. i wonder what david is doing right now. maybe i should... oh nm. he's watching his saturday morning cartoons. i'll call him later. i wanna go to the bookstore because i like it there. i have my own little corner at the B&N in Covina. In the philosophy section. I love it. Maybe i will go see the duarte show on broadway at the PAC this evening. victoria doesn't want to see it and andrea complains about it. i mean, ok, i agree they shouldn't have cancelled the talent show but i dunno, bettre see what they replaced it with before you can complain. is david like, my only best guy friend? hmmm... Justin is a good friend of mine and RJ too... but then I guess that's it for best friends. i have regular friends whom i dont go out with that are male but i seem to find soo much more fun with having girls as friends. they just seem so much more cooler in many respects. guys are just dumb. lol yes we are, including myself. it's weird how girls look up to guys but guys look up to girls but they never look down on their sex unless they wanna change their own... transsexual (transfer sexual?). still, i would rather be a guy than a girl. yep. hmmm... anyway, imma go taka shower and a walk. be back in a few hours! 11:26:00 AM

vendredi, mai 02, 2003

I am free. I don't know why but I'm flying high in the sky. The sky is nice today... very cloudy. I like clouds. How do you say them in French again? I don't remember. I'm worried about the AP French exam. It looks difficult but simple at the same time. Sonya is talking to me. I don't know what to tell her. I wonder how i'm going to study for French. Mlle. pulido seems not to know what that test is all about. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten dinner. I went to Starbucks with Fatima, Victoria, and Sonya today like old times. They are my friends. They are good friends. David didn't come to school today. I don't know why. He didn't want to go to the BBQ. I think it went alright. I actually thought the burgers weren't that bad. I was hungry. I don't see why everyone was complaining soo much. At least they fed us for free. I think I appreciate what the school does sometimes. I just don't like it when the school forces you to do things you don't want to or come to class when you don't want to. I would rather it be like a college. But people are not that responsible during high school years. Immature is the word to use. Then again, statistics reveal that only 22% of DHS students actually attempt college. That's terrible. Only 60% of those people actually go into college. People aren't dumb. They're just too lazy. What is this world coming to? Well, at least I don't have competition! That is sooo mean. Haha. 7:39:00 PM