If I Can Talk, I Can Write

samedi, septembre 09, 2006

When a girl says "it's not you, it's me," It's you. 7:13:00 PM

Ahh... gotta cover my own ass here. Freakin blog... I just read what I typed there... freakin freak freak freak is that embarassing. You don't understand how embarassed I am after this breakup. There's a girl out there now who knows me in the relationship sense and rejected me for who i am. Oh my goodness that hurts so bad.
But I'm getting over it... and that's what I keep telling myself... and I think I am. I want to remain friends but I just don't know how I'm going to do that without taking some time away from her... but I promised her that I wouldn't avoid her and because of that, I won't. But that means I've got to suck up all my feelings and pretend to be joyful and cheerful and happy. This is like the role I was meant to play... aye?
The more and more I see how she treats me, the more I realize that we weren't meant to be. It seems so final for me to say that but I think it's true. I saw her interacting with one of her other guy friends and I realized that it's going to take me a loooong while before I can be on that level friendship with her.
When I say I love her, I mean it. She's a love, but she's not THE love of my life... so there might still be somebody out there.

I just wish I didn't feel so embarassed. Was it really just incompatability or was I just not good enough for her?? I never got clarification on that. 7:03:00 PM

lundi, août 14, 2006

I'm so scared right now. I Love her soo much and I don't want her to be feeling the pain she must be feeling right now. Please Trisha, please talk to me soon. Don't push me away, please!!! If you need to be alone for a time, then at least tell me, don't just leave me like this. I'm worried about you.
This is a test from the Lord. I know it because I read it in the bible. Perhaps he's testing my faith.. or my Love for her, or my understanding of myself, or my endurance, or something... there's a test here. I will pass it.
Trisha, you are the only girl with whom I've fallen in Love like this.. I've never felt this way about any other person. I care about you too much to let go.. please don't let go of me so easily. Let us work it out. That's all i ask.. if it doesn't work out, then we can always be friends... but let us at least try and make an effort to see if we can salvage our romantic relationship. I can't see my life without you... don't ignore me please.
God grant me comfort during this time of pain. I'm hurting and as I lay in bed, I cry to you for relief. I cry that this test will pass and I shall one day realize your plans for me and why this happened. Do not let me be angry.
WHY GOD!? I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT YOU WOULD BRING US TOGETHER ONLY TO TEAR US APART. Please show me some sign that you are listening to my pleas. Help me to understand. I'm in pain.. definitely not in as much pain as you felt when you were on the cross suffering for those you loved who did not love you back. But you were in comfort and in paradise. You are my refuge, my rock, my saviour. Save me from disaster. Help me to continue to Love and show me Your Love.
Where there is pain, there is love. Where there is love, there is pain.
I AM IN LOVE and it hurts so bad. 4:38:00 PM

vendredi, mars 04, 2005

freewrite: 4 March 2005... 7 minutes.

the devil lives in my living room... there he is, when i come from the kitchen, before i go to sleep at night, i watch him... his eyes watch me back and i am filled with fear and disbelief for the world has gone awry. he is there, holding my life and my death in his hands and for a second i forget that God is also near. but all i can focus on is that mouth, which screams from jelousy and greed, of lust and ostentation, of guilt, and powerlessness. All i can see, his third eye staring me like a dart through the heart, a needle to my eye. and the star of the occult, burning in my forehead, it makes me want to vomit. blood. i see the gamble of life in the evil that dares to lurk even in the light. and when i see them, girls dressed in nothing but blood while the men who try to protect them, are cutting their own arteries from their chests... and fornication within these walls while they scream for air... but still he continues his plunder... and they are lost.
but in a second, she returns, her eyes so pure, staring deep into my soul as if God had seen what I will see. And in an instant i am transported back to a day of struggle, when our brothers and sisters had rebuked us and taunted us with slurs and insults, spit at us and stoned us with hate, seething hate that could not have been fashioned by man himself. all this in the eye of the goat that rapes the Lamb. Oh, the poor Lamb. To burn and suffer, forced to bear the cross of the world, and it is the fault of he who is worshipped in my living room... that face, that hideous face... that grizzly death hath placed its trust.. in darkness... we wait for the light.
DEAR GOD, SAVE US FROM THIS MADNESS. HELP US IN THE BATTLE.

the devil is in my living room. i'm going upstairs to bed. soon the battle will be held downstairs... all i can do for now is survey and watch. for the day shall come when he will rescue his children. 1:42:00 AM

mercredi, mars 17, 2004

DEAD BLOG SITE
It is unlikely that further posts will be made in this site but it may happen on extremely rare occasions. For the sake of its content, this site will not be deleted, but rather, kept as a memory of the past, lost in the realm of cyberspace. You've entered a corner of the worldwide web. Please turn back, this is not a through street. 1:45:00 AM

This blogger site is officially closed. I have drawn back and created a new blog that I don't think anybody should know about... not even the people most close and dear to me. In my attempt to be fair to all those who will attempt to find it, my only message to you is: It would probably be worth stumbling upon when corners collide. 1:39:00 AM

jeudi, janvier 01, 2004

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 12:03:00 AM

mercredi, décembre 31, 2003

I want to be needed. I don't want to need. I need to be needed... but not in an obsessive holic addictive sortof way. just a way. a simple way. 4:28:00 PM

I finally found out that lowell has a livejournal. I looked through it and i was like, omygoodness, i totally didn't expect him to be all different like he is now. like, now im looking at all his friends, knowing all his thoughts, and seeing everything he's been doing for the past two years. it kinda makes me feel like he's a friend i totally lost contact with for this purpose. man i have memories of the times in my childhood when we used to play stupid games and annoy the eff out of ppl like ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-tiim-tim. poor tim, got no moment of peace a silence from us. now im debating whether to call him or what cuz i have first of all, no idea what the hell i should say and what im gonna talk about with the guy. i hope the terms im on with him are not forshadowing the terms i'll hold with the friends i have now. i'm kindof sick of always talking about the same people everyday... i'm sick of my best friends. I love them to death and i'll always hold them very dear to me... thats very true... but i think we may need a break from each other or take our ships to new levels. i'm fed up with myself for hinding my true feelings about the people who are closest to me and going about with hyperbolating the fun i have when i spend time with them. I have 2 best friends... him and her. i dont know what it is about me and making few friends like this who get really close but just the few of them can get really i dunno... tiring. i love being with them... there's no doubt that they make up my social life in its 97%ity.
Some people have a lot of friends but are not close in particular to any of them; others have a few friends only but they are very very close to each other... i cant see how i'm categorized within either group. 4:27:00 PM

mercredi, décembre 17, 2003

shut up, ben. 1:01:00 AM

I refuse to allow my new relationships with new people take over the rlationships I have with the friends I already have. But for some stupid twisted inconsiderate reason, it seems to get harder and harder. Not that I don't love the people I have with me now but these friendships seem to be filled with just a whole lotta nonsense nowadays. I can't understand when my conversations and stuff with these people got to a point where nothing is solved and my desires to get closer than ever before don't seem to ever happen without sacrificing a great deal of privacy or emotions. In another strange world, I would be that drunk guy behind the wheel of a fast car with my girlfriend on my lap but that's another world... a stupid one, at that. But you see, life is a cloud and the plane just rips through it. I'm talking on a whole nother plane. If my relationships with people continue to be in this downward spiraling trend of useless inertia, then far be it for me to save us both from the gaping hole of stagnation. 12:59:00 AM